Post by Lukas on Aug 17, 2008 16:43:56 GMT -5
It all started out 17 June:
Tuesday
I'm into this girl, that's one of my best friends in school. This girl has a female friend, who's my friend too. We sorta hang out together at school sometimes, the three of us.
As it turns out...the second girl told me today she likes me (she's horribly ugly and reminds me of Charles Chaplin =P). I tried my best to 'ignore' that and move on with our friendship like nothing's happened, so that being around each other doesn't become 'weird-like'.
Now this girl is helping me to get things going with the first girl, whose birthday party is this Sunday.
>_>
This afternoon is the longest one of my fucking life...
Wednesday
Well, I had the second girl talk to her about it, and it turns out the first girl has been too nervous with her party and stuff to even think about this kind of stuff right now. She said I had 'small chances' of something happening.
Well, for now, I'm just manipulating the strings. The second girl talked to her, but the first one thinks I'm not aware she knows about my 'feelings'. Now I'm gonna treat her all nice and stuff all week, and I'll see where that goes.
Phew... =(
Thursday
Damn!
Second Girl messed everything up. She gave out the plan we set up Tuesday, and now the first girl knows everything and worse, she had another friend of ours tell me she's not interested! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Now I gotta talk to her tomorow and 'clean everything up'. Just to put a stone in it >_<
Damn!
Friday
Anyway...I couldn't talk to her. I had my friend say to her I wanted to clarify things with her, and it all appeared that it would work the heck out.
Well, I couldn't talk to her, because when we finally found a quiet spot, some of my fucking guy friends started to roam around screwing. Well, now I couldn't talk to her and I'm not sure about what to do <_<
Saturday
Dude...I'm not sure of anything anymore...I thought it was just a petty crush on a really good friend. But I just...can't get her out of my mind! I don't know what's happening, man... I can't forget her!
Anyway...man, this is just scary. I thought this was just a silly crush on one of my school's greatest friends, that happens to be hot too. But I can't get her out of my mind, even if she already turned me down. I think about this all day, I fall in bed and can't sleep thinking about it... I thought it was just a crush, but I simply can't forget about her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really glad the classic end of the friendship didn't happen to me. We've just went through the week like nothing was happening, and that not being enough, we were actually more together and friendly then ever before. I hear many stories of a non-mutual crush between friends tearing their friendship apart, so at least about that I'm grateful.
Well, today I talked to her on MSN, as she brought it up. Thais (her name ¬¬) asked if I wanted to talk to her about it, because those freakin' pigs troubled us when we were about to start the conversation Friday. I told her I wanted to do it in person, to make things right, at ther party tomorrow night.
*Sigh* I believe I know what to say, but what will be said shall define once and for all the subsequent events that shall yet come to be. I don't know what I should do, if I should just clarify everything and get it done, or if I should... you know, make one last, desperate shot. Be romantic, and sensitive, and try to get a chance of a kiss. Man, I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Sunday
I'm back from the party. As it happened, I talked to some people about it, if I should or not talk to her there. One thing cheered me up though, another mutual female friend of me and Thais that's aware of the situation told me that even if she said no already, she was mostly sure that if I confessed to Thais that I really care about her and such, things could even come to a change in her mind.
Eventually, I decided not to say anything. They told me to do this next Friday. And even if that's the right move, I feel VERY uneasy and worried about this...
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And that's it. I'm really startled, because this just...isn't me, you know? I thought I could just put it behind me once she said she wasn't interested, but I can't forget her! I can't help it but to think about her all the time! This is seriously strange for someone like me...
Next Friday
Ok, I really feel done now.
Things have become really heavy in a way for me to just carry on.
I did leave school with her, but when I said I had to talk to her about last week, she said a friends was waiting for her at the local club and she couldn't talk to me (I know that's true, as I noticed her talking to this friend on the Cellphone back at school).
And I was hoping I could set up a place today through MSN to see her tomorrow and talk to her, but she didn't even mentioned the subject! And once I did, she basically avoided it and changed it quickly.
I feel very tempted to just throw things aside. That, or just solve things through MSN. I can't do this waiting all over again V_V
One month later
Heh... I don't update this in a month, and there's some shit to write in here, so...
As it turned out, on the day of my last post, I talked it all to Thais over MSN. I know it would've been better to solve this out in person, but the moment never seemed to come, and bottling this up was making me sick. I had to talk it out of me. Anyway, I asked her if I could bring up that subject, and once the 'yeah' came, I started to talk. I sent her, like, a 15-line long IM explaining her about how I was feeling in a very "romantic", sutil kinda way, and etc. (I only did that because I knew she'd like it, she isn't like 15-year old whores we came to know and 'love' tongue.gif) Well, after I did that, I told her to think about it, that I couldn't ask for an answer at that moment and stuff.
Well, four days passed and we continued to talk like nothing had happened (of course, I was hacking myself up to pieces on the inside). I thought she didn't bring up the subject again because she had decided not do anything about it because she wasn't interested.
Now remember the girl who liked me and was helping me in the first week of all this madness? Well, Wednesday (I talked to Thais on a Saturday), she came to me saying Thais was sending me a message through her that she decided she didn't like me more than a really good friend, but didn't know how tot ell me that in person. I was crushed, yes, but I saw something amiss... Every time I brought up the subject again with Barbara (our common friend), she'd either get angry and start yelling because I was being 'annoying', change the subject very quickly, or just repeat what she said before all over again. Needless to say I started to grow suspicious of her. I even considered that she did that to have a chance with me, but I knew a week before that she wasn't liking me anymore (she even told that to Thais, her best friend and blah-blah-blah...).
After that I started to try and let go of that feeling, and it turned out to be impossible. After that week our school break began (3-weeks long, and next week I'm in school again sad.gif), and I thought "Well, three weeks talking to Thais only through MSN will help me to break through this, as it's already a lost cause". Well, I couldn't do it >_> I believe we even grew more friendly in these 2 weeks, but I know for a fact my feelings about her didn't change a bit. Also, last week she told me she'd go on a trip with her parents that endured from last Saturday to next Friday (I'm without the person i talk to the most on MSN). And what happened Friday was what surprised the living shit outta me..
We were talking on MSN as usual, and it was 2:30 AM. It was casual, everyday conversation, but out of the blue she said she eased in to the question that would leave me still... "Do you still like me?"
=O =O =O
After two minutes of thinking about what to say I asked her if it was a matter of simple curiosity. Thais said 'no' and asked me again, and to answer with honesty. I said yes (letting go of my everyday irony God-knows-why) and she said "Well, can we talk about this next week once school's back?". I was overjoyed to the core and agreed. After a long goodbye she signed off.
I have this friend, Lucas, that's Thais' friend too. He's like the nerd of the year. More nerd the you can ever get. More nerdy than anyone you know. Yeah...nerd >_> He's a good friend of mine, and I was walking him through my situation ever since the start of it (he usually complained I was annoying him with it but would never stop listening anyway xD) and I was very excited to talk to him about what happened Saturday when he logged in. And you can imagine my surprise when he said he had talked to her about it...
=O =O =O
He said they had a long conversation (they never have long conversations
)about the whole thing three days before the day she came to talk to me. He said he told her everything. How I was feeling, how I was in bad shape because of all that, how I was sad because my chances seemed to have ran out on me... He told her everything, to sum it up, and most important, he expressed the fear I had the whole time to end up losing her friendship because of those events. Wow, man, it's in moments like this you see who your real friends are. He noticed that was important to me, and cared enough to take it up by his own hand without even telling me (I mean, if she decided not to do anything about ti, I'd be better off never knowing). Anyway, she was pretty shocked after hearing all that much, and you know what she said to him, to everyone's surprise?
"I thought about what he said really hard, but it was him who didn't come to me. I thought he had decided to drop it and didn't bring up the subject myself because of that!"
And then it came to my mind... Barbara lied to me! Thais never sent through her any message! That was a lie! A fucking lie! Now I would consider that she did that because she still liked me (even though that wouldn't even be an excuse if it was true!) but the idea could be dismissed for the sole fact she didn't liked me anymore. I knew that through a note she wrote to her friend that I wasn't meant to look at >_> Barbara was never too 'normal', but I couldn't imagine she'd do that to me! I always considered her one of my best school friends, then she turns around and does something like that! She knew how that was important to me, but still did that. I don't even know why I'll give her this benefit, but I'll look into it and check with Thais if it's really true that she wasn't aware of barbara's doings. If there is one thing I can never forgive is the betrayal of my trust. If I find out (and if she did, I will!) it's true, she is fucked.
But turning back from the corner of RAGE...
Me and Lucas are pretty optimistic Thais' answer to me's gonna be positive. I mean, she did said she wanted to talk to me and I don't believe she's even talk to me about it just to dump me. Besides, she took her time to think if she should really bring up the subject, which shows she cares about me. I'm only waiting for school's return (never thought I'd do that =P) and I'll finally have with her the conversation that was meant to take place so long in the past. Question is, shall the hope turn out to have foundations after all this time?
August 9th, Friday
Erm... >_>
So it happened it last.
Thais was back last week's Friday, and school was back last Monday. For some God-forsaken reason, I didn't talk to the dern girl about it any other day before yesterday. We were really talking less to each other this week, because we're both moving into a new social group together (all thanks to cards game!), and we had plenty of people to hang out with, so there wasn't much time for us to hang out ourselves without them around. To make matters worse, I was grounded this week and couldn't use MSN, place where I talk to her ALL the more. We barely talked to each other this week to be honest, except for the one day I walked home and she was walking down that direction to.
Anyway, yesterday we were in middle of class, and I didn't want to let the weekend go by before I talked to her. I didn't care much about doing it in person, because that wasn't supposed to be a big deal. That was just to set up the time when we'd talk to each other for real. Anyway, I was in a chair, there was a friend in front of me, and she was in front of him. I wrote "You said you wanted to talk... today's good for ya?" in a piece of paper and had my friend send it to her. She looked at it, stood a pen still in it for a while (possibly thinking about how to say it) and sent the paper back. I looked at it... and...
"Actually, I think it's better to just forget about that... I was confused, it was a mistake to touch that subject after so much time... Maybe it's better to just forget about it..."
ARGH!
It isn't necessary to say I was friggin' paralyzed in front of that piece of paper. I had considered all the possible negative answers, including the word 'forget' specifically, but to see it in front of you... that is another league. This is shit. Utter shit. I wrote "If you think so..." and sent the paper to her again, which went unanswered,
To make matters worse, the friend in front of me decided to 'help me'. He started to write in another piece of paper... a 4-line text with romantic bullshit. You know, REAL romance? Like "How can I sleep at night knowing I will never have you, I want you, blah blah blah", I don't remember it all that well. Anyway, I saw what he was doing, but I was so down at that time and just said 'fuck it'. I didn't see her expression when she read that, but I can only imagine... She wrote a 3-line answer to him and gave the paper to me, before he took it out of my hand >_> He wrote another long babbling like that one to her, and she did the same thing. He did it the third time and she stopped answering.
>_>
When that happened he told me to change places with him, so I did it... to make him stop. After that the class ended. Me, Thais and the crew went to the local bar to drink (soda >_>) and play cards. After an hour everyone went home, and I took a walk to refresh. I was really under stress, though I didn't let it show... too much.
That's pretty much it. You can see what her 'confusion'' was from all that. We spent two weeks talking to each other on MSN all day, while I was being good and really nice to her. When she found out I still liked her, she had a mutual moment. But after going through a week of me barely talking to her at all, she let that thing go.
The worse of it all is that she messed with my head like a prick, made me quite depressed for the day after an entire week of wondering how it'd turn out... I still can't let her go out of my guts. Trust me, what I want MORE is to tell her to fuck herself and go to another girl... but I can't. I was kicked like a dog but I can't let my feelings for her go, and I can't do anything about it. I told my friends who know what's been happening yesterday, and they said besically the same thing. "Whore", "I'd tell her to fuck herself", etc.
But it's really more complicated than that. I can't let go. This general feeling changes everything. About what to do right now, I may not be so sure. I know for a fact I'll tell her that wasn't me writing romantic bullshit to her (she must be really freaked out about it). I don't know what to do now, but I'll find a way... for good, bad or worse.
August 16th Friday
So I was talking to my nerd friend about all that stuff. Well, this week was just crazy. She simply ignored me at school, and wouldn't get on MSN. Summing it up, we didn't talk to each other at all. So, well, my friend told me he'd talk to her and try to clear things up (of course, she not knowing their conversation would fall on my eyes in secret). They talked last night on MSN, as she logged in. Anyway, his nerdyness came to be an issue, as he portrayed me as an obsessed, loving foo, you know? He said things like "he must hear your voice as he needs water to survive". I told him not to do these things!
>_>
Well, when they were done, he seemed somewhat sad when he came to me and sent me the conversation. Dude, that's what really let me down. She said things like:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"you came to talk to me ans said a lot of things
and I was curious
I wanted to know if he still liked me, I mean, he was my friend...
I spoke to him and he said yes
I was half surprised, because he didn't seem like he still did
then I thought it was better to talk face to face, you know, get things clarified
I only spoke once before I went traveling, and in fact I had no idea about that I would say to him again once school was back
Then on the trip and tought more I saw it was better to say nothing , because it could hurt him or something"
"while trying to avoid him wanting to talk to me, I began to talk to him less and less. and I started not to talk to him at all. Ehen I began to ignore him, and now I don't even see him as a friend anymore : /
It was all very fast, I don't know... how could this happen?"
"he's been trying to talk me, right?
I feel followed by him almost all the time
it suffocates me sometimes
I'm with my friends he keeps surrounding us"
(Yeah, that is not true. I haven't been trying to talk to her, it's on her fucking mind)
"Then I talked about it with Iara
and she asked him if he liked me
he said no, he likes a girl from his church
then i just forgot about it.
I have doubts if he indeed likes me or if this has turned into an obsession, I don't know
because if he liked, it'd be contrary
he would not have shame or fear, to admit that like me"
(I wasn't gonna tell a girl I don't even talk to that I liked my friend. And... obsession? That's insane!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
She said some horrible things. I really valued her friendship, and she acted like she couldn't care less about how I feel, and like my friendship didn't mean nothing to her. At least that's my friend's opinion, I'm at a loss at the moment... A sad loss...
22th August, Friday, today
Well, something interested happened today... Good interesting!
Well, we were in school, and this week procceeded just like the last one (me not talking to her =p). Well, we get a 30 minutes break in the middle of classes, to eat and talk and stuff. I went with the guys to play Soccer in the bak of the school, and Thais and her friends were talking in our classroom. Everything went normally, till the time was up and we went back to the classroom. I walked to my desk, and there I found... an orange Tic Tac box and a note glued to it. Before I mention what it said, I believe some background history is needed...
Ever watched the movie Juno? Well, the girl's got this boyfriend, who's addicted to orange Tic Tacs. They had a fight and didn't talk to each other for a few days. So, to make up with the guy, she fills his mail box with dozens of Tic Tac boxes. Now, note that me and her talked about this movie all the time during our break, as we found ourselves talking about movies all the time. Anyway, no, I don't expect she is falling for me. I believe that is a symbol she wants to bring back our friendship, that I know it is important to her and definitely for me. Now, as for what the note said...
"I don't know why I've been acting like this...
Sorry for avoiding you these last few days?"
I was really happy to see that, and I noticed she was looking at me the moment I got to my desk. I didn't answer back, because there were some annoying kids on the way to her desk, so me dropping off a note there wouldn't go unnoticed. Besides, I decided to give it a rest before saying anything, and it summes up to a simple word:
Waste.
I spent two months love sick because of all this. It was the last thing I thought about before falling asleep, and the first thing I thought off when I woke up. Yes, to the point I had a really hard time focusing on classes and studies. Now, I know getting my good friend back is a great step, but the idea of going through all of this just so that everything could come back to the way it was before... it makes me sick. Seriously. Sick and uneasy.
Now, I considered what my next step would be. She used a beautiful symbolism to make things better for both of us. Now, I considered repaying with the same coin. I'd tell her I want to talk to her about all this, but to clarify things and jsut that, because I want her to understand some things. Then, when we're face to face, I'd make something so great, so beautiful, that'd get to her head good. Good enough to allow her to be taken by the moment and correspond.
I am just too persistent, am I not? After getting what was so hard to earn, a chance to make things like they were, I am willing to go further and further. It is not of my nature to let things go to waste, and let all this time go to waste isn't going to happen until I give out every last ounce of myself to the fight!
Tuesday
I'm into this girl, that's one of my best friends in school. This girl has a female friend, who's my friend too. We sorta hang out together at school sometimes, the three of us.
As it turns out...the second girl told me today she likes me (she's horribly ugly and reminds me of Charles Chaplin =P). I tried my best to 'ignore' that and move on with our friendship like nothing's happened, so that being around each other doesn't become 'weird-like'.
Now this girl is helping me to get things going with the first girl, whose birthday party is this Sunday.
>_>
This afternoon is the longest one of my fucking life...
Wednesday
Well, I had the second girl talk to her about it, and it turns out the first girl has been too nervous with her party and stuff to even think about this kind of stuff right now. She said I had 'small chances' of something happening.
Well, for now, I'm just manipulating the strings. The second girl talked to her, but the first one thinks I'm not aware she knows about my 'feelings'. Now I'm gonna treat her all nice and stuff all week, and I'll see where that goes.
Phew... =(
Thursday
Damn!
Second Girl messed everything up. She gave out the plan we set up Tuesday, and now the first girl knows everything and worse, she had another friend of ours tell me she's not interested! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Now I gotta talk to her tomorow and 'clean everything up'. Just to put a stone in it >_<
Damn!
Friday
Anyway...I couldn't talk to her. I had my friend say to her I wanted to clarify things with her, and it all appeared that it would work the heck out.
Well, I couldn't talk to her, because when we finally found a quiet spot, some of my fucking guy friends started to roam around screwing. Well, now I couldn't talk to her and I'm not sure about what to do <_<
Saturday
Dude...I'm not sure of anything anymore...I thought it was just a petty crush on a really good friend. But I just...can't get her out of my mind! I don't know what's happening, man... I can't forget her!
Anyway...man, this is just scary. I thought this was just a silly crush on one of my school's greatest friends, that happens to be hot too. But I can't get her out of my mind, even if she already turned me down. I think about this all day, I fall in bed and can't sleep thinking about it... I thought it was just a crush, but I simply can't forget about her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really glad the classic end of the friendship didn't happen to me. We've just went through the week like nothing was happening, and that not being enough, we were actually more together and friendly then ever before. I hear many stories of a non-mutual crush between friends tearing their friendship apart, so at least about that I'm grateful.
Well, today I talked to her on MSN, as she brought it up. Thais (her name ¬¬) asked if I wanted to talk to her about it, because those freakin' pigs troubled us when we were about to start the conversation Friday. I told her I wanted to do it in person, to make things right, at ther party tomorrow night.
*Sigh* I believe I know what to say, but what will be said shall define once and for all the subsequent events that shall yet come to be. I don't know what I should do, if I should just clarify everything and get it done, or if I should... you know, make one last, desperate shot. Be romantic, and sensitive, and try to get a chance of a kiss. Man, I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Sunday
I'm back from the party. As it happened, I talked to some people about it, if I should or not talk to her there. One thing cheered me up though, another mutual female friend of me and Thais that's aware of the situation told me that even if she said no already, she was mostly sure that if I confessed to Thais that I really care about her and such, things could even come to a change in her mind.
Eventually, I decided not to say anything. They told me to do this next Friday. And even if that's the right move, I feel VERY uneasy and worried about this...
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And that's it. I'm really startled, because this just...isn't me, you know? I thought I could just put it behind me once she said she wasn't interested, but I can't forget her! I can't help it but to think about her all the time! This is seriously strange for someone like me...
Next Friday
Ok, I really feel done now.
Things have become really heavy in a way for me to just carry on.
I did leave school with her, but when I said I had to talk to her about last week, she said a friends was waiting for her at the local club and she couldn't talk to me (I know that's true, as I noticed her talking to this friend on the Cellphone back at school).
And I was hoping I could set up a place today through MSN to see her tomorrow and talk to her, but she didn't even mentioned the subject! And once I did, she basically avoided it and changed it quickly.
I feel very tempted to just throw things aside. That, or just solve things through MSN. I can't do this waiting all over again V_V
One month later
Heh... I don't update this in a month, and there's some shit to write in here, so...
As it turned out, on the day of my last post, I talked it all to Thais over MSN. I know it would've been better to solve this out in person, but the moment never seemed to come, and bottling this up was making me sick. I had to talk it out of me. Anyway, I asked her if I could bring up that subject, and once the 'yeah' came, I started to talk. I sent her, like, a 15-line long IM explaining her about how I was feeling in a very "romantic", sutil kinda way, and etc. (I only did that because I knew she'd like it, she isn't like 15-year old whores we came to know and 'love' tongue.gif) Well, after I did that, I told her to think about it, that I couldn't ask for an answer at that moment and stuff.
Well, four days passed and we continued to talk like nothing had happened (of course, I was hacking myself up to pieces on the inside). I thought she didn't bring up the subject again because she had decided not do anything about it because she wasn't interested.
Now remember the girl who liked me and was helping me in the first week of all this madness? Well, Wednesday (I talked to Thais on a Saturday), she came to me saying Thais was sending me a message through her that she decided she didn't like me more than a really good friend, but didn't know how tot ell me that in person. I was crushed, yes, but I saw something amiss... Every time I brought up the subject again with Barbara (our common friend), she'd either get angry and start yelling because I was being 'annoying', change the subject very quickly, or just repeat what she said before all over again. Needless to say I started to grow suspicious of her. I even considered that she did that to have a chance with me, but I knew a week before that she wasn't liking me anymore (she even told that to Thais, her best friend and blah-blah-blah...).
After that I started to try and let go of that feeling, and it turned out to be impossible. After that week our school break began (3-weeks long, and next week I'm in school again sad.gif), and I thought "Well, three weeks talking to Thais only through MSN will help me to break through this, as it's already a lost cause". Well, I couldn't do it >_> I believe we even grew more friendly in these 2 weeks, but I know for a fact my feelings about her didn't change a bit. Also, last week she told me she'd go on a trip with her parents that endured from last Saturday to next Friday (I'm without the person i talk to the most on MSN). And what happened Friday was what surprised the living shit outta me..
We were talking on MSN as usual, and it was 2:30 AM. It was casual, everyday conversation, but out of the blue she said she eased in to the question that would leave me still... "Do you still like me?"
=O =O =O
After two minutes of thinking about what to say I asked her if it was a matter of simple curiosity. Thais said 'no' and asked me again, and to answer with honesty. I said yes (letting go of my everyday irony God-knows-why) and she said "Well, can we talk about this next week once school's back?". I was overjoyed to the core and agreed. After a long goodbye she signed off.
I have this friend, Lucas, that's Thais' friend too. He's like the nerd of the year. More nerd the you can ever get. More nerdy than anyone you know. Yeah...nerd >_> He's a good friend of mine, and I was walking him through my situation ever since the start of it (he usually complained I was annoying him with it but would never stop listening anyway xD) and I was very excited to talk to him about what happened Saturday when he logged in. And you can imagine my surprise when he said he had talked to her about it...
=O =O =O
He said they had a long conversation (they never have long conversations
)about the whole thing three days before the day she came to talk to me. He said he told her everything. How I was feeling, how I was in bad shape because of all that, how I was sad because my chances seemed to have ran out on me... He told her everything, to sum it up, and most important, he expressed the fear I had the whole time to end up losing her friendship because of those events. Wow, man, it's in moments like this you see who your real friends are. He noticed that was important to me, and cared enough to take it up by his own hand without even telling me (I mean, if she decided not to do anything about ti, I'd be better off never knowing). Anyway, she was pretty shocked after hearing all that much, and you know what she said to him, to everyone's surprise?"I thought about what he said really hard, but it was him who didn't come to me. I thought he had decided to drop it and didn't bring up the subject myself because of that!"
And then it came to my mind... Barbara lied to me! Thais never sent through her any message! That was a lie! A fucking lie! Now I would consider that she did that because she still liked me (even though that wouldn't even be an excuse if it was true!) but the idea could be dismissed for the sole fact she didn't liked me anymore. I knew that through a note she wrote to her friend that I wasn't meant to look at >_> Barbara was never too 'normal', but I couldn't imagine she'd do that to me! I always considered her one of my best school friends, then she turns around and does something like that! She knew how that was important to me, but still did that. I don't even know why I'll give her this benefit, but I'll look into it and check with Thais if it's really true that she wasn't aware of barbara's doings. If there is one thing I can never forgive is the betrayal of my trust. If I find out (and if she did, I will!) it's true, she is fucked.
But turning back from the corner of RAGE...
Me and Lucas are pretty optimistic Thais' answer to me's gonna be positive. I mean, she did said she wanted to talk to me and I don't believe she's even talk to me about it just to dump me. Besides, she took her time to think if she should really bring up the subject, which shows she cares about me. I'm only waiting for school's return (never thought I'd do that =P) and I'll finally have with her the conversation that was meant to take place so long in the past. Question is, shall the hope turn out to have foundations after all this time?
August 9th, Friday
Erm... >_>
So it happened it last.
Thais was back last week's Friday, and school was back last Monday. For some God-forsaken reason, I didn't talk to the dern girl about it any other day before yesterday. We were really talking less to each other this week, because we're both moving into a new social group together (all thanks to cards game!), and we had plenty of people to hang out with, so there wasn't much time for us to hang out ourselves without them around. To make matters worse, I was grounded this week and couldn't use MSN, place where I talk to her ALL the more. We barely talked to each other this week to be honest, except for the one day I walked home and she was walking down that direction to.
Anyway, yesterday we were in middle of class, and I didn't want to let the weekend go by before I talked to her. I didn't care much about doing it in person, because that wasn't supposed to be a big deal. That was just to set up the time when we'd talk to each other for real. Anyway, I was in a chair, there was a friend in front of me, and she was in front of him. I wrote "You said you wanted to talk... today's good for ya?" in a piece of paper and had my friend send it to her. She looked at it, stood a pen still in it for a while (possibly thinking about how to say it) and sent the paper back. I looked at it... and...
"Actually, I think it's better to just forget about that... I was confused, it was a mistake to touch that subject after so much time... Maybe it's better to just forget about it..."
ARGH!
It isn't necessary to say I was friggin' paralyzed in front of that piece of paper. I had considered all the possible negative answers, including the word 'forget' specifically, but to see it in front of you... that is another league. This is shit. Utter shit. I wrote "If you think so..." and sent the paper to her again, which went unanswered,
To make matters worse, the friend in front of me decided to 'help me'. He started to write in another piece of paper... a 4-line text with romantic bullshit. You know, REAL romance? Like "How can I sleep at night knowing I will never have you, I want you, blah blah blah", I don't remember it all that well. Anyway, I saw what he was doing, but I was so down at that time and just said 'fuck it'. I didn't see her expression when she read that, but I can only imagine... She wrote a 3-line answer to him and gave the paper to me, before he took it out of my hand >_> He wrote another long babbling like that one to her, and she did the same thing. He did it the third time and she stopped answering.
>_>
When that happened he told me to change places with him, so I did it... to make him stop. After that the class ended. Me, Thais and the crew went to the local bar to drink (soda >_>) and play cards. After an hour everyone went home, and I took a walk to refresh. I was really under stress, though I didn't let it show... too much.
That's pretty much it. You can see what her 'confusion'' was from all that. We spent two weeks talking to each other on MSN all day, while I was being good and really nice to her. When she found out I still liked her, she had a mutual moment. But after going through a week of me barely talking to her at all, she let that thing go.
The worse of it all is that she messed with my head like a prick, made me quite depressed for the day after an entire week of wondering how it'd turn out... I still can't let her go out of my guts. Trust me, what I want MORE is to tell her to fuck herself and go to another girl... but I can't. I was kicked like a dog but I can't let my feelings for her go, and I can't do anything about it. I told my friends who know what's been happening yesterday, and they said besically the same thing. "Whore", "I'd tell her to fuck herself", etc.
But it's really more complicated than that. I can't let go. This general feeling changes everything. About what to do right now, I may not be so sure. I know for a fact I'll tell her that wasn't me writing romantic bullshit to her (she must be really freaked out about it). I don't know what to do now, but I'll find a way... for good, bad or worse.
August 16th Friday
So I was talking to my nerd friend about all that stuff. Well, this week was just crazy. She simply ignored me at school, and wouldn't get on MSN. Summing it up, we didn't talk to each other at all. So, well, my friend told me he'd talk to her and try to clear things up (of course, she not knowing their conversation would fall on my eyes in secret). They talked last night on MSN, as she logged in. Anyway, his nerdyness came to be an issue, as he portrayed me as an obsessed, loving foo, you know? He said things like "he must hear your voice as he needs water to survive". I told him not to do these things!
>_>
Well, when they were done, he seemed somewhat sad when he came to me and sent me the conversation. Dude, that's what really let me down. She said things like:
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"you came to talk to me ans said a lot of things
and I was curious
I wanted to know if he still liked me, I mean, he was my friend...
I spoke to him and he said yes
I was half surprised, because he didn't seem like he still did
then I thought it was better to talk face to face, you know, get things clarified
I only spoke once before I went traveling, and in fact I had no idea about that I would say to him again once school was back
Then on the trip and tought more I saw it was better to say nothing , because it could hurt him or something"
"while trying to avoid him wanting to talk to me, I began to talk to him less and less. and I started not to talk to him at all. Ehen I began to ignore him, and now I don't even see him as a friend anymore : /
It was all very fast, I don't know... how could this happen?"
"he's been trying to talk me, right?
I feel followed by him almost all the time
it suffocates me sometimes
I'm with my friends he keeps surrounding us"
(Yeah, that is not true. I haven't been trying to talk to her, it's on her fucking mind)
"Then I talked about it with Iara
and she asked him if he liked me
he said no, he likes a girl from his church
then i just forgot about it.
I have doubts if he indeed likes me or if this has turned into an obsession, I don't know
because if he liked, it'd be contrary
he would not have shame or fear, to admit that like me"
(I wasn't gonna tell a girl I don't even talk to that I liked my friend. And... obsession? That's insane!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
She said some horrible things. I really valued her friendship, and she acted like she couldn't care less about how I feel, and like my friendship didn't mean nothing to her. At least that's my friend's opinion, I'm at a loss at the moment... A sad loss...
22th August, Friday, today
Well, something interested happened today... Good interesting!
Well, we were in school, and this week procceeded just like the last one (me not talking to her =p). Well, we get a 30 minutes break in the middle of classes, to eat and talk and stuff. I went with the guys to play Soccer in the bak of the school, and Thais and her friends were talking in our classroom. Everything went normally, till the time was up and we went back to the classroom. I walked to my desk, and there I found... an orange Tic Tac box and a note glued to it. Before I mention what it said, I believe some background history is needed...
Ever watched the movie Juno? Well, the girl's got this boyfriend, who's addicted to orange Tic Tacs. They had a fight and didn't talk to each other for a few days. So, to make up with the guy, she fills his mail box with dozens of Tic Tac boxes. Now, note that me and her talked about this movie all the time during our break, as we found ourselves talking about movies all the time. Anyway, no, I don't expect she is falling for me. I believe that is a symbol she wants to bring back our friendship, that I know it is important to her and definitely for me. Now, as for what the note said...
"I don't know why I've been acting like this...
Sorry for avoiding you these last few days?"
I was really happy to see that, and I noticed she was looking at me the moment I got to my desk. I didn't answer back, because there were some annoying kids on the way to her desk, so me dropping off a note there wouldn't go unnoticed. Besides, I decided to give it a rest before saying anything, and it summes up to a simple word:
Waste.
I spent two months love sick because of all this. It was the last thing I thought about before falling asleep, and the first thing I thought off when I woke up. Yes, to the point I had a really hard time focusing on classes and studies. Now, I know getting my good friend back is a great step, but the idea of going through all of this just so that everything could come back to the way it was before... it makes me sick. Seriously. Sick and uneasy.
Now, I considered what my next step would be. She used a beautiful symbolism to make things better for both of us. Now, I considered repaying with the same coin. I'd tell her I want to talk to her about all this, but to clarify things and jsut that, because I want her to understand some things. Then, when we're face to face, I'd make something so great, so beautiful, that'd get to her head good. Good enough to allow her to be taken by the moment and correspond.
I am just too persistent, am I not? After getting what was so hard to earn, a chance to make things like they were, I am willing to go further and further. It is not of my nature to let things go to waste, and let all this time go to waste isn't going to happen until I give out every last ounce of myself to the fight!